presents:
Amusing and circuitous thoughts
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
I
invented the cordless extension cord.
It's
a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
A
friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of
the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish
you were here."
I
stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.
Last
week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated
coffee table. They couldn’t help me.
I
worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked
me, "If
I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
Today
I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?"
and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,
"Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said,
"I'll wait."
I
used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
I
got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find
my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And
they were!
When
I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard.
I was an only child...eventually.
I
bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.
When
I turned two, I was really anxious because I'd doubled my age in a
year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
My
girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on my
vacation. I said, "the whole time."
I
had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to
the funeral in one car.
Sponges
grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I
went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there,
the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I
have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
Every once in a while I flip it on and off, on and off, on and
off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut
it out!"
I
replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
What's
another word for "thesaurus"?
I
was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "I said
yes officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
My
friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later
I can ask him what he meant.
I
spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Right
now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
I
went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I
put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
on them. Then I took one out lens and he started to run around in
circles.
My
neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I
Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
After
they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I'm
writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I
bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I
put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
When
I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep
good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I
went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I
have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.
Last
night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked
her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're
wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but
to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked,
"How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when
you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two
legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the
last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
I
was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front
of me -- and I didn't hear it.
You
can't have everything. Where would you put it?
One
time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
I
was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I
installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above
me are furious.
I
hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.
Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
The
only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging
plant.
I
got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker
and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blow-dryer and now my
hair won't dry on its own.
The
Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now
Santa Claus is missing.
My
aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good,
she'll give me the other one next year.
I
went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I
was at a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.
The guy said, "What the Hell do you think you're doing?" I said,
"Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, would
they do anything?" He said, "I don't know." I said,
"Forget it then, I don't want to work here."
I
accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting. It was an honest
mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and thought I saw a
deer in an orange vest making coffee.
I
have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child.
I
like to fill my tub up with water, then I turn out the lights, turn
on the shower and act like I'm inside a submarine that's been hit.
The
Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred,
Barney…
If
you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I
took a baby shower.
I
saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Today
I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for
28 bucks.
When
I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "What do you need?"
I
got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
The
ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."
One
time I went to a museum where all the work had been done by children.
They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
One
day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw
the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi,"
and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Isn’t it an amazing
day?" and she said, "Yes it is, I guess." I said, "What
do you mean you guess?" She said, "I can't tell you because
I don't even know you." I said, "Well sometimes it's good
to tell your problems to a complete total stranger on a bus."
So she said, "Well, I've just been to my analyst, and he's still
unable to help me." I said, "What's the problem?" "I'm
a nymphomaniac and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys... By the
way, my name is Diane." I said, "Hello, Diane. My name
is Bucky Goldstein..."
When
I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it.
It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2
-- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
If
toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop
it?
Curiosity
killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
My
girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep, I write
misspelled words on them.
I
used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the
keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a
coat-hanger.
I
love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
I
almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What
happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I
intend to live forever - so far, so good.
You know how it is when
you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...
And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that
all the time.
Lots of comedians have
people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I
had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I wrote a song,
but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think
I might have written that."
He asked me
if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
I put tape on the mirrors
in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I've been doing a lot
of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint,
no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is one hour
fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with
people I don't know.
I like to skate on the
other side of the ice.
If you can't hear me,
it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... No,
it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No,
I don't.
Is it weird in here,
or is it just me?
Every so often, I like
to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite
picture.
I'm moving to Mars next
week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering.
One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't
pay for it.
I have a map
of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent
last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world.
I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
Cross country skiing
is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking
distance if you have the time.
It's a good thing we
have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there.
Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving
my body to science fiction.
I went to the
bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm
going to buy some sugar."
I like to go to art museums
and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Last time I went to the
movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was
that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't
had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
I went to the
cinema, and the prices were: Adults $10.00, children $2.50. So
I said, "Give
me two boys and a girl."
I went to this restaurant
last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija
board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table
would move across the floor to it.
There's a pizza place
near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see
a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I used to be
a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing
them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought
it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They
were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they
should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's
the part you don't want to get dirty.
I went to a
7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the
grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went
outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...
I love to go
shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what
size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I went into
a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me
and said, "Can
I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said,
"What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "Hey, you
started this."
I saw a small
bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with
purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
There was a power outage
at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the
escalators.
I bought my brother some
gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and
told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when
to stop unwrapping.
Friday, I was in a bookstore
and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual
illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
For my birthday I got
a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and
let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now
my room is all shiny.
Ever notice how irons
have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
I have a microwave fireplace
in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for
the evening in two minutes.
My VCR flashes 01:35,
01:35, 01:35, ...
I have the oldest typewriter
in the world. It types in pencil.
I couldn't find the remote
control to the remote control.
Under my bed
I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely
I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped
the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing,
so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't
have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had
no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day...
He said, "Michael, why haven't you called me?" I said,
"I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He
said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar
has no sevens on it."
I plugged my
phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Yaaaahhhh..."
Last week I bought a
new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed
redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
I got an answering machine
for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they
hear a recording of a busy signal.
I like to leave messages
before the beep.
I bought a self-learning
record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record
got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some
CD's onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all
of the CD's.
I got tired of calling
the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the CD.
Why is the alphabet in
that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song
wrote everything.
My grandfather invented
Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long
story short ...
I'm writing an unauthorized
autobiography.
I wrote a few children's
books... Not on purpose.
I just got out of the
hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and
flew across the room.
All of the
people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic
hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give
me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything
in the store."
While I was
gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They
put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate,
he said: "Do
I know you?"
Doing a little
work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come
over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."
In my house on the ceilings
I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went
out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my
way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
All the plants in my
house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was torturing them by
watering them with ice cubes.
Victoria and I lived in
a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the
blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I've never
seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the
bill, "I'm sorry,
I haven't seen it all month."
My house is made out
of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift
it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.
I bought a house, on
a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
The other night
I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys.
I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I
was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived.
I said, "right here,
officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at
all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median
strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave
the driveway doing 60 MPH.
For a while I didn't
have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just
tied it to a lamp post and left it running up there.
I hooked up my accelerator
pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me
stop, and I'm gone.
I play the harmonica.
The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and
stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
Then I put
a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my
car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
I watched the Indy 500,
and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to
go so fast.
I had to stop driving
my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.
I have an answering
machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message
and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across
the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had
one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember
what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area
25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I like to pick
up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your
seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon,
but I think I can do it."
I decided to
leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print
of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle
on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching.
Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer
trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the
cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into
one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking
people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars.
Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
A cop stopped
me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See
this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you
push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car
just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
One time a
cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop
sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I got my driver's
license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled
over the cop looks at it moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly...and I ask, "Have you been drinking?"
We were in
Omaha, Nebraska when we were arrested for not going through a
green light. We pleaded "maybe".
I asked the
judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further
questions."
I went to court
for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor,
why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored,
I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in
my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my
car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
One night a
jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from
the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess yelled down "Hey
you, get back in your seat."
When I go, I'm flying
Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket.
You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday...
That way you still have the weekend.
I have a friend named
Justin Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's
a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.
A friend of mine is into
Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down
the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I owed my friend
George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole
time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through
New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money."
I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I
owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money
and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars
from George.
I'd like to
sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll
Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking no More."
So I figured
I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except
for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I
really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being
alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my
birth certificate has an expiration date.
I can remember
the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Michael, time to go to sleep."
I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go
down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was
there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
My girlfriend's
so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly
when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck
no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."
I was trying to daydream,
but my mind kept wandering.
One night I
walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite
dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
I was once arrested for
walking in someone else's sleep.
It's a good apartment
because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Penny. Last
summer Penny was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All
her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare
Krishna family picnics.
My roommate got a pet
elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I bought a
dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay!
Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps
typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
The other day, I was
walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.
Last year I went fishing
with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other
fish.
There's a fine
line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like
an idiot.
If you're not part of
the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
My old girlfriend, Paula,
thinks stuff is not funny, when it actually is.
I have to mix my water
myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're
98% water. I stopped drinking because I didn't want to drown.
I was born by Cesarean
section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a
house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my
grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without
moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train
like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see
anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by.
When I was five years
old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses
stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden
horse.
When I was eight, I played
Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across.
Earlier that week, I had learned that the shortest distance between
two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I used to own an ant
farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough
to fit it.
My friend Victoria is
a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years
old.
My school colors
were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I
want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in
and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him
he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Babies don't
need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses
me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you
doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
I once tried
to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind
at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet.
Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to
the other and said, "See,
that's how it's done."
I was going to commit
suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I
brought a beach towel.
I got into
an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just
stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix."
So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds
blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said,
"You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We
got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the
phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...
The other side said, "Is this Michael Lee?"... I said, "Yes..." The
guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your
bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university
you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned
you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said,
"Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money
to my friend Justin, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And
I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
I'm seeing a very nice
girl now. We met at a Marshall Field's in Chicago. She was buying
clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm
seeing now, Victoria, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes
and long, flowing brunette hair. The last week in August, we went
camping at Lake Louise in Canada. We were laying around in the woods
and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy
on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks
about sandpaper. Her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the
guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries
in something.
Last time I went skiing,
I needed to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that,
so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't
wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof
rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later,
I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving
horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.
A while ago,
I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in
England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it."
I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway
up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said,
"You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years."
I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in
prison. Do you want to know why?" I said, "No, not really." He
said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "Hey,
I remember you!"
I looked out
my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a
button saying, "I
ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said,
"I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here,
summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly
wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come
on in. Want some eggs?"
One night I came home
very late. It was the next night.
I was arrested for selling
illegal-sized paper.
I broke my arm trying
to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I lost a button hole
today. Where am I gonna find another one to match?
I made wine out of raisins
so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a man with a wooden
leg, and a real foot.
Factorials were someone's
attempt to make math look exciting.
I used to be a bartender
at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I washed mud, off of
mud.
How young can you die
of old age?
If you saw a heat wave,
would you wave back?
If you were going to
shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I used to be a narrator
for bad mimes.
On the other hand...
You have different fingers.
I can levitate birds.
No one believes me.
Women... Can't live with
'em... Can't shoot 'em.
If all the nations in
the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If the pen is mightier
than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
What do batteries run
on?
Are there any questions?
I was cleaning out my
closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember
one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody
could go swimming until I came back.
I bought one of those
little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it
upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought
one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
I busted a mirror and
got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why is it, "A penny for
your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's
making a penny.
My dental hygienist is
cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while
waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the
afternoon's appointments.
The other day when I
was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of
a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I had a dream that all
the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!
It doesn't matter what
temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I went to the eye doctor
and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up
contact lenses.
Victoria would spend
all of her time practicing limbo. She got pretty good. She could go
under a rug.
I filled out
an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...
What's my mother going to do?
I had just received my
degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen.
I was walking
down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50.
If found, just keep it."
I bought a cheap piece
of land... It was on someone else's property.
The brain is a wonderful
organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and
doesn't stop until you get to work.
The sun got confused
about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Some people think George
is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George
is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George
is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't
hear him talk.
I saw a sign
at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that
said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss.
I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
In Vegas, I got into
a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered
to be an odd number.
Do you think that when
they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I want to get
a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I'm kinda tired. I was
up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored
and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
I
was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but
I figured the game he was watching was better.
--------------
42.7%
of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned
a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried
to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me
all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the
store."
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was
teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press?
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him.
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores
me and keeps typing.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got
there.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and
went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter
in Spanish.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the
Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different
print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's
real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I
went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a
right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to
go to sleep."
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this
rumbling noise go by.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside
my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the
fish go like this <<<>>> <<<>>><<<>>>
. I go down to the pet store - "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a
lotta calls yesterday."
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you
eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the
floor.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I had my coathangers spayed.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly
the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while - the tires got dizzy.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid
down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit
the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above
me are furious.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New
York.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me
if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a
potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white
cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
[Referring to a glass of water…] I mixed this myself. Two parts H,
one part O. I don't trust anybody!
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going
really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my
car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles
per hour. The harmonica sounds "amazing".
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman
on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give
it back.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks
like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much
time.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people
must be really tired.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She
said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything
today.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough,
I couldn't see any forests.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm.
By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of
them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my
friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.
Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in
a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn
on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know."
I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".
So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it
was gone.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice
until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see
the lake.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I went fishing with Rod Ewert. He was using a dotted line. He caught
every other fish.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk
said, "ten-four."
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What
are you making?" "A salt lick."
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter
said, "Don't I know you?"
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for
sale."
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found
spirit gum.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet
in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food
you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I
think I might have written that."
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for
you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan
club?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
If you tell a joe-k in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joe-k?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above, so
I never have to go upstairs.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with
a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there
and write misspelled words on them.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says
it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
me.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."
My neighbor has a circular driveway - he can't get out.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
"Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on
the road an hour."
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.
"So, do you live around here often?"
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish
you were here."
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa
Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding,
and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer".
Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name
to Les.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded.
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like
an idiot.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello,
could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only
2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
What are imitation rhinestones?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was
an only child… eventually.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little
old lady had to help me across the street.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted
to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to
cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They
hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire
area was missing.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.
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